My biggest challenge as a Health Anxiety sufferer was to experiment with giving my inner voice the authority to provide comfort instead of looking to others to feel safe.

Losing my dad, who was a a huge comforter to me, left me having to be a parent to myslef. My therapist suggested an exercise to try when in the throes of anxiety - to observe my fears (those of my inner child) and assume the role of the soother through reassuring words. This was new, it felt a bit woo-woo but it was powerful… and fucking heart wrenching.

This painting is about a primitive confrontation with your self. Talk therapy often encourages us to rummage around in our past to identify anxiety triggers with the intention of dissolving them and moving on.

In his book Ageless Body, Timeless Mind Deepak Chopra highlights the futility of staying focused on the past saying “the past is layered into us in many intricate layers. Your inner world is full of complex relationships, for it contains the past not only as it occurred but all the ways in which you would like to revise it. All the things that should have turned out differently do turn out differently in that place where you escape into fantasy, revenge, yearning, sorrow, self reproach, and guilt.”

It started to become clear that chronically ruminating was not serving me, and where I needed to understand the trauma, I then needed to move on.

I really struggled to accept the reality of my ‘shadow self’. I needed to know that I was a good, likeable person. But it was becoming clear that healing can only happen when you see the darkness as well as the light - the two can’t exist without each other. Psychotherapy reveals the suppressed, darker, side of our lives that we don’t want to see which is why its, at times, unbearable. I learned that trying to escape from having to face this was just pushing the pain down only for it to pop up eventually in other places.

“How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am able to be whole.” - C.G. Jung

“Recovery is a journey from unawareness to awareness.” - Russell Brand, Recovery, Freedom From Our Addictions

I gradually started to expand my psychological awareness by reading a wide range of books which allowed even deeper discussions in therapy about the human condition. The idea that fundamentally we are all connected seemed very freeing to me, I guess it’s a feeling of tapping into an invisible support that is ‘spiritual goals’ and I loved that it gave me the ability to see outside of myself. In this painting I’m experimenting with letting myself be changed/affected/coloured by the ‘outside’ (good and bad) - surrendering for release.

In her book You can Heal Your Life, Louise Hay shares an exercise in forgiveness. We’re told to visualise ourselves sitting in a theatre with an individual who we resent pictured on the stage. Then we must visualise good things happening to this person and see them happy, then we let the image fade away. She says “what we often refuse to realise is that holding on to the past - no matter what it was or how awful it was - is only hurting us. ‘They’ (the perpetrator) really don’t care. Usually ‘they’ are not even aware. We are only hurting ourselves by refusing to live in this moment to the fullest. The past is over and done and cannot be changed. This is the only moment we can experience. Even if we lament about the past, we are experiencing our memory of it in this moment, and losing the real experience of the moment in the process.”

The above picture came from the print shop accidentally merging two of my paintings (the above figure and circle) when they emailed me the scans. One of them, the circle, is not part of my therapy artwork. Because of this my therapist and I started to touch on synchronicity - if accidents are ever really accidental. There seems to be a relationship between the figure and what appears to be a planet like orb hovering above. Both are connected by rich colour giving a sense that the figure (the self) is starting to be able to embrace the unknown/life and welcome it as opportunity and positive growth.

In therapy we talked through the problems I have with faith in all its forms including religion and spirituality. Why does meditation feel like a panic attack? I learn it’s because I cannot sit with myself and ‘just be’ after a lifetime of avoiding having to look at the pain within.

In The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield explores how, as humans, our instincts and emotions are masked by societal influences. People distract with work, money and material desires “to avoid recalling how uncertain they are about why they live.”

When all we focus on is our societal facade we ignore our true self and this eventually surfaces in behaviours that cause illness - mental and physical.

We discussed how the culture and parenting style in which we are raised builds our understanding of life. Our race and class predetermine what we are allowed to believe in and quite often this goes unquestioned. Wayne Dwyer writes about this in Real Magic claiming that “few of us have been trained to tap into the power our minds. We have been raised on a steady diet of logic, rationality and a ‘believe it when you see it’ mentality. In short, we have been brought up to believe only in those things we can understand and verify.” This became a subject my therapist and I discussed often.

Looking at this painting we discussed how disconnection from others can be positive allowing you to unsubscribe from ways of thinking that aren’t you’re own. You are permitted to break away and have your own opinions, morals, tastes and pleasures. In carving your own path your choices will be supported. Has the last pillar in this image fallen or landed? If standing like the others feels unnatural then let yourself change direction so you’ll land where you need to be.

It’s a struggle trying to manage contradicting feelings when half of you is attached to your mental illness and the other half is ready for growth. We discussed issues around desire without guilt, ambition without self doubt, passion without apathy and confidence without shame. It’s a jigsaw of emotions that just don’t fit.

Am I addicted to my anxiety? We explore how it’s always been successful at getting me reassurance. Without realising, I’ve cleverly crafted a direct line to instant comfort via reaching out to loved ones. I see that now. But if the anxiety goes away where do I get my comfort?

In his book Recovery, Freedom From Our Addictions, Russel Brand describes the cycle of addiction and I am stunned to see that it doesn’t just apply to substance abuse, sex and food (which he attributes to his own experience). He describes how any behaviour that follows the below cyclical pattern reveals that behaviour as addictive:

“ A 5-point guide to the cycle of addiction

1.Pain

2. Using an addictive agent, like alcohol, food, sex, work, dependant relationships to soothe and distract

3. Temporary anaesthesia or distraction

4. Consequences

5. Shame and guilt, leading to pain or low self esteem

And off we go again.”

After so much positive growth the familiar voice of the ‘thinker’ inside was still hell bent on spreading doom and so I took out my frustration on some chalk and paper, of course! Expressing anger is a release but there is a learned shame in everything that comes with it - feelings of injustice, envy and futility. However, this is still a positive image as it shows that feeling is starting to outweigh numbness.

So after coming across the word ‘empath’ during my deep dive into how to ‘unfuck’ myself (as Russell Brand would put it) I realised that everything about how I navigate life is symptomatic of being one. So many day to day experiences started to make sense and this was helpful because I started working to accept that much of the shit we carry and absorb, mostly isn’t ours. Much of the anger isn’t actually ours, much of the pain isn’t actually ours, much of the fear isn’t actually ours. Much of the blame isn’t actually ours. The freedom in realising you have been absorbing other people’s stuff, and that you can let go of it, is life changing. But then started a new journey of learning how to protect myself. This picture is equally about attack and protection. 

My therapist and I talked about the different parts of ‘the self’ - mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and artist. All elements competing to be seen and struggling to co-exist because of how I’ve trained myself to perceive them as polarities - especially ‘‘mother’. So what happened is that I ended up not nurturing any of the above which left an empty, soulless pile of mush.

Another discovery that dropped like a clanger was my apparent attachment to outcome. It was a big undertaking learning how to remove this as I’ve spent my life subconsciously denying the inevitability of the unknown, and of death. Your own mortality terrifies you but you need to make peace with it to move forward. In The Untethered Soul Michael Singer describes how “you gain nothing by being bothered by life’s events. It doesn’t change the world; you just suffer. There is always going to be something that can bother you if you let it.”

In this painting motherhood is seen as an intense but positive addition to your life rather than the thief who stole your young, carefree, attractive self. Labour and birth elevate you. In therapy we discussed how our culture focuses on post natal ”snapping back” and how this doesn’t just apply to your body. We look at the expectation on women whilst growing up and how invisible boundaries are laid down early on which shape how we talk to ourselves, how we limit ourselves and what we expect of ourselves in order to fit into societal moulds. 

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realising that you are not the voice of the mind - you are the one who hears it” - Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul

Further into my reading mission I’m struck the work of Eckhart Tolle who asks “Am I one or two?” and this blasts open the doors of possibility. Both authors pave the way to relief from your own thoughts, from your own mania, with Tolle describing thinking as a “disease”. You are your self and your thoughts are your ego. Self and Ego are are two separate entities. In understating this you can “learn to disidentify from your mind” so that “every time you create a gap in the stream of the mind (thought), the light of your consciousness grows stronger”. My therpist suggests I try talking to my physical anxiety symptoms as if they were an entity. It feels silly at first but asking your numb foot ‘what do you need from me?’ is shockingly revealing. I had never asked myself what I need out loud before. Try it.

We’re constantly told that ageing is bad, it is synonymous with illness, death and ugliness. As Deepak Chopra describes “To grow old should arrive as the crown of life.” He is right, it is a privilege to get old. In this painting I’m honouring this until the crown is unintentionally submerged. The mistake is hard to bare but after months of making art alongside therapy sessions it’s clear this mishap is important to look at. We discuss Chopra’s belief that in “seeing ourselves as separate, we create chaos and disorder between ourselves and things ‘out there’. We war with people and destroy the environment. Death, the final state of separation, looms as a fearsome unknown, the very prospect of change, which is part of life, creates untold dread because it connotes loss.” The crown and the colour have merged, they are not separate.

As trusting yourself and your own body becomes easier you can feel confidence grow. Setting goals, when you couldn’t even imagine a future beyond tomorrow, buoy and support you, nurturing a faith that starts to replace fear.

This painting was made two days after the 3rd anniversary of dad’s death. New anxiety symptoms focused on disturbed vision with obsessing making it worse. In describing the dark shadows and the inability to focus the left eye my therapist asks “what it is that you’re not wanting to see?” It turns out it’s the reality of loss. Feeling actual grief for the first time, without anxiety diverting, allows for experiencing the sadness we are meant to work through when it comes to loss. This is a picture of release.

6 months into psychotherapy and there is a lightness and a freedom that has come with getting better. It feels like there’s been a release of emotions that were repressed for years. In therapy it’s noted that this tree has detail, form, roots and is surrounded by a ‘containing’ energy compared to my empty, baseless tree made at the beginning of this series. The tree, that is ‘self’, is now connected to, and part of, the outside world instead of being scared by it.

This was a meditative painting to make. Ordered and structured but with vibrant colours. There is a balance and respect for the delicacy of the brain but also a desire to colour it as something creative and beautiful. Has the duality of scientific fact (anatomy) and creativity (no boundaries) dissolved allowing the two to co-exist when they couldn’t before? Life is fragile yet powerful and here in this image it’s being held and protected.

What goes up must come down. Along with getting better comes setbacks and they feel so much harder when you’re falling from a higher place of recovery. It’s difficult because the learnings and the insight, which have transformed your day to day drastically, are suddenly redundant. Anxious thought dominates taking you right back to square one. In therapy we discuss if this is because something major has been unearthed. One of the ‘biggies’ that has been buried as trauma has finally surfaced and oh! Look! I have a black dot in my vision and I’m now obsessed with becoming blind. Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you…AVOIDANCE.

The five year old got his hands on this pencil drawing and took it upon himself to embellish it, copying Mummy. It was discussed that a barrier had been lowered allowing the outside to come in, relinquishing control. Embracing the mess of parenthood adds another level to your creativity. Motherhood hasn’t taken away who you were, it’s given you another aspect and more to say. The idea that children pick up on and absorb their parents’ emotions was also looked at - to be considered with relation to my own anxiety and also my childrens’.

This drawing is about boundaries and learning that setting them is not selfish but necessary. It’s possible to absorb the mess/pain/discomfort of others when your boundaries are lowered and you can live for a long time believing others’ traumas to be your own. Drawn freehand, some of the rings touch each other reflecting how in life boundaries are challenged and ignored. The rings look like the cross section of a tree - a symbol of gracious ageing and wisdom.

In contrast to the earlier spinning plates these five pillars suggest an acceptance that motherhood has not smothered the pre-parenthood parts of yourself. The blue, which in colour therapy suggests healing, is at the core and the accidental meeting of orange and green proves that you can withstand when mothering treads on the toes of your self care.

This image shows an exercise in futility. Can you control and order things as you want them to be? Or must you accept the inevitability of outside influence, loss and death in order to be truly free in the present. 

Compared to the previous image of a spine, this relatively confident drawing embodies the chakra spectrum in balance without mania or mess. My therapist and I talk about rebuilding after trauma and how in adulthood it’s common that we become ill because we are stuck, blocked - having not developed though a key stage in life.

Was a difficult part of your childhood never addressed? Did you form thoughts about life and yourself based on pain you weren’t supported through? Time moving on gives the illusion of healing but the subconscious makes sure, at some point, you face the pain so it can be healed.

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