In therapy we talk about watching a parent die and the surprising response of denial, resistance and a constant search for proof that they’re here in spirit. There’s anger at them for dying and leaving, anger at life for letting them die, anger on your kids’ behalf as they don’t get to meet them - all of this conveniently distracts from feeling the real, raw grief. This painting acknowledges the darkness, finally letting grief creep in. Absence is shown by an empty chair swamped with the imprint of illnesses.

We discuss how children follow the life rolled out for them in unquestioning faith. They see their experience as an absolute. If you rise to the drama you get caught up in as a child it makes an imprint that can last a lifetime. There is a freedom when you realise later in life that you can let go of the pain that was never yours, you can duck out and feel your own way through life living as your authentic self.

Its hard to shake the pain caused by a slammed door to opportunity. Rejection sparks the savage self-criticism within and the familiar black hole of self loathing opens. In this illustration, my therapist notices a seed of self preservation as the blue provides a lighter alternative to the dark; an allowance to be kind to myself. The internal struggle is evident but there is growth when dealing with disappointment along with an acceptance of the negative (dark) because without it there wouldn’t be the positive (light).

Learning that empaths exist is like watching your captor approach and open the door to your cage. If, for as long as you can remember, social interactions left you heavy and needing to be alone it may be that you absorb other people’s drama. By acknowledging this you can work to determine if emotions you feel are actually your own. If they’re not, you are free to simply let go.

This drawing takes a new look at boundaries and how over two years they have changed. In comparison to the earlier illustration, Rings, there is more differentiation and a more confident statement of limitations. Self worth is blossoming.

Foetal? Falling? Flat? These figures reflect a spectrum of emotional states. Seemingly chaotic, there is a necessity to tame them. With the help of therapy we can learn to release this energy creatively - to avoid reaching for a numbing pacifier whatever form that may take.

This image exudes self acceptance. Life is messy, motherhood is messy, relationships are messy. It was nearly excluded from this exhibition over concern it’s too explicit. However, the ‘explicit’ burst is of self confidence - in what it is to be a woman. After years and years of putting myself down this is exactly what I should be honouring, not hiding, as it has lead to the near obliteration of my anxiety prison.

When planning to ween off therapy it’s encouraged that I healthily engage with the approaching ending. It’s been clear over the years that endings have been avoided because they are too painful to experience. As the last remaining sessions pass by life gets busier, more and more distractions creep in and I’m aware that I’m struggling to even think about my final session. With this image there is an intention to focus on a singular grief and engage with what will be a genuine loss. It doesn’t feel natural but I know there is progress as sadness inevitably takes over and pours out for a while.

Towards the final therapy session a lot of time is spent trying to protect myself from the imagined pain it will bring. However, when I actually let myself sit with the grief there is a comforting thought that endings don’t have to be black and white or savagely final. In therapy we discuss how we can internalise people, memories and experiences - keeping what we’ve learnt and loved inside us to call upon whenever needed. I’ve absorbed energy from my therapist that I can employ in times of anxiety and I will now always own that ability to self-counsel. With this painting there is a powerful understanding that to maintain mental health we must be mindful of what we let ourselves absorb and allow for healthy boundaries.

This final drawing made for my last session harks back to the previous invisible line/boundary I had inflicted upon myself; Living with one eye on death, the end, keeping me anxious. We discuss the sense of balance in this image as the figure becomes the line, freely moving with acceptance of the past (the blue) whilst comfortably embracing the unknown/future (pink). This intimate yin and yang allows for the past and future to meet so we can be mindful in the present.

I have nothing but gratitude for you, my therapist. I’ve agreed with you, disagreed with you, loved you, hated you, been angry at you, overinflated you but know that you calmly welcomed all of this so I could ‘project’ and address my own issues and heal. Thank you.

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